oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
