Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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