We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
