She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
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