The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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