So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
