I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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