She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
