airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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