hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
