i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
