Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
you have to choose: penises or morals?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
