I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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