Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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