She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
