even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
