i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
