So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i will never coherently bang her
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Randomize
