You kept calling me your small dog last night.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
