it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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