No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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