Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
