what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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