ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Randomize
