There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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