She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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