Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
