You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
