I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
