Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
My bed smells like the plague
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
