you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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