New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
