I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize