I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
