I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
