I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
And my parents said I crawled through the house
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Randomize
