I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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