rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
