I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
