I'm lost and stupid without you.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I smell stomach acid.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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