oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
