I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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