just come out here and I will go home with you...
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
