he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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