my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
