Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
