If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
