people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize