I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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