You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
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