Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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