I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
