My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
