At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
