You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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