It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
