nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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