So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
